polyphony.

$

and the lack thereof.

::i promise, this is the last sob story for a long time::

i planned so hard to be in nyc this past weekend.

i thought about it hard. i only wish that mattered. at all. i had my school visit. i had the dave chappelle concert. i had beat society. all lined up like one great weekend pay off for finding a job and what not.

but i had no money.

you know... it's not so much the missed weekend, which was, might i add, *awful*.

it's that i'm always coming up short with stuff like this. always.
i'm such a lame yo.

i wish dollars didn't factor so much into things i need to accomplish, but unfortunately, they do. it's ridiculous, i wanted to visit that school so bad that i was asking niggas for money. but i don't feel like being in debt to anybody. i already owe. and i'm not the type of dude to be running up tabs.

's not my style. it's representative of a disgusting lack of independence.
and i think that's where my personal issues start flaring.

i'm like-
24 n' sht. mad basic. i'm working towards something, and i be feeling good about it, but then a weekend like this reminds me in a not-so-friendly manner how un-about it all i actually am. i got friends who are mobile. like, they can fkng mobilise when they need to. they can pay a bill when they need to.

and more than money, they are establishing a life for themselves.
i be sitting in my room telling niggas via this raggedy computer that i am on to some big isht.

the whole money thing is microcosmic of a bigger set of dumbsht issues.
i'm working on it.

i just feel so mad at myself. that i let that sht happen to me over and over. and that i keep letting time fly by me with nothing to show for it.

ugh. bitter disgust, like sucking on rancid lemons with parasitic bacteria crawling on it. imagine your face after such an ordeal. that's the face i'm making right now.
stop laughing. because i'm so not laughing.

so ive decided.
im going to be that dude i been trying to be for years. myself, on the level that i wanna be on.

i aint never coming up short again. thats a promise. i know ive made alot of em here, but right now, the way i feel, showing and proving is the only option.

watch.