polyphony.

it's so hot.

the midday heat is absolutely the worst.

...i wrote something yesterday, just a simple freestyle. i followed someone else's lead and laid down some thoughts. this is what i came up with.

all i got left
is this semblance of sanity
and a susan b. anthony-
i'm losin my family
losin my soul
losin my religion
it's days where i stalk the cement lookin for brethren in pigeons
i'm on a mission
wickin' pain out through papermates and pads
scared of tomorrow cause i see myself actin more like my dad
so i write
and i write and i right
and somehow i still feel wrong
hunger pains is hard to swallow when the stomach lining aint strong
it's been too long i need an intermission from all this bullshit i'm dealin with
been swingin on the world since sixteen i wonder if they feelin it
if they feelin me
my conscience is drillin me
"motherfucker react, shit ain't sweet"
3 in the mornin tryina convince my rhymes to stay on beat
cuz if this rap shit don't move shit then i'm shit outta luck
if i could wipe the water off my hands i'd have the world in my clutch
i swear
ayo the world needs to hear
i'm but a voice in the crowds
but it seems like, like if its on point? time stops when i read my shit aloud
and if i spit it, shit it
only gets better
i inject rhythm in to bad bones
craft poems to reverse the weather-

frak said he was a soldier.

and i feel that, i feel it to the innermost-
but it's like we warrin' for peace, though and that ain't how it's supposed
to be
blessed with the curse of rhythmic verse. but i wasn't handed no mics,
i don't rhyme because i wanna! this shit's been installed in my life
and so i live it, i have no choice it's part of the bigger plan
so now me and my reflection fighting in mirrors to see who's the bigger man

and damn...

i have pockets overloaded with passion,
and if channel these scripts i'll be the world's antibiotic
but i struggle to dress My wounds, slow to action- cateracts upon the optics
just gotta
dress my feet with "no one can stop this"
take a bite of "it was written",
dippin b&w compostions in my blood sweat and tears, affixing them to my fists and

well, that's just the status quo

'till mountains move at my behest
i'll be putting words to page, kid - finding relief from all this stress.

and you know what?

within those lines is the most honest output i've allowed in a long time. it starts becoming a literary work with all its' wonderful embellishments by the last 7 lines or so, but that first paragraphical body is truth. even down to the susan b. anthony dollar i have.

i don't want much. i mean, millions of other kids my age have it. take my boy for instance...

this cat gets put on by his dad something serious. duke gets a paid for apartment in university-city, gets his tuition paid for community, gets like a $300 allowance every two weeks, not to mention if he runs out, his dad would hook him up... his dad is covering all this for him. granted his dad makes a good buck, but still... my friend finds some way to piss his dad off enough to take it all away. dude had the ULTIMATE freedom, but i saw him in action and he did Dumb shit all the time. he would go to school high, he would get drunk in his apt, leave the 40 bottles around and then his mom would come through and see it, he would spend ALL of his money on women, (and then come to me and ask for a 10spot or tell me how to deal with women) and he would come this >< close to failing out of school. he didn't work. he didn't have to. his dad refused it, because he wanted his son to concentrate totally on school.

wtf?

i don't want that. for real, last thing i want is my dad TOTALLY and absolutely supporting me, but that situation right there is type lovely and he screws it up. so his dad kicked him out.

all i want is an ok, stable job, and the ability to see to my responsibilities like a man. i can't seem to get it. my boy wasn't prepared to handle complete freedom, i am, but i can't get a hold of just a taste of it.

blah.

and then there's women.

well, one woman in particular. i swear, i dead shit in her name, mad possibilities, for the thought of maybe being able to wake up to her one morning... but last night some shit happened and i now feel like i'm getting played. she calls, we talk, yadda yadda... she's like "yeah, i was at this poetry spot and there was this guy tryna talk to me, but me and this other guy was exchanging looks and he was all in the way of us"

am i wrong for not appreciating that?


i dunno, maybe you had to be there. i don't keep track of the hours, but jeez, after you hit a certain milestone, you be come cognizant of it all - the time and resource i've invested in this lady is piling up. i'm not trying to smash- i just want some exclusivity. and i'm not getting it. i'm exclusively hers, whether she admits it or not, whether i do or not... the fact that we roll so tight has made it difficult for me to allow anybody else into my life...

i've already written off one WONDERFUL person in her behalf. maybe there was some miscommunication somewhere along the lines so that i'm thinking we are building something but she's thinking we are just really good friends.

but whatever yo. i'm not pushing the issue anymore. i've stated my case; now i'm pulling back. cuz it's not just this, but certain things we've talked about, and she's popped off with some off the wall shit.

she called back later that night, and was getting all cozy in my ear... it was hard as hell but i gave the cold shoulder to her... she fell asleep on me, so i hung up.

man, fuck that.

i guess it's just a combination of things that's making me so dramatically reactive, but hell- that's what i'm going through. deal widdit.

it's back to singleness, jawn- and we can be friends, if that's what you want.