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October 01, 2002
how about a real entry?
chea.
let's see... what's new with me.
we'll, i've been in this somber/melancholy/thoughtful/creatively ripe mode for the past week or so... although it's been somewhat sad, i seem to be a bit more about myself. doing things on my agenda, or at least trying to. it's not all bad. it's like-
you ever have that feeling that in every part of your life, you are a 100 point underdog, but you know that you can and will upset the world? so, you're like, brooding and biding your time and biting your tongue and gritting and grinding your teeth and swallowing your pride and priding yourself on your patience and persistence because it seems like the quantity and quality of the odds that befall you are tremendous and you just can't fucking wait to slap a fucking dent in the atmosphere the size and shape of the outline of your lifeless body.
i don't know why i feel like that. i've always felt like that, but it seems to be incredibly strong. maybe i get the feeling that people just don't believe me; maybe it's that i don't believe myself when i say that i'm going to do this...
whoatthatsascaryconceptidontwanttothinkaboutitanymore.
ANYway.
i feel powerful like rocky before he fucking molliwopped apollo creed. (where's my m'fuckin' adrienne? blah.)
...i like the way i dress.
never change it for nobody.
yet- today, i was forced to think on how i would catch drama and heat for that from the h8rz, should i ever have the opportunity to dance in the public's eye...
somebody called me a faggot.
some cat was in the passenger seat of his friend's late model fucking lumina, looked at me as i waited for them to pass, and yelled out the window "FAGgot"
...ha...
wtf?
folks in the know, know that i'm hardly the person to affix that shit to... but still.
i mean, initially i was hurt. cause, i mean, that's some hurtful shit, that was it's intent, obviously. felt like fucking his girl's mouth, and then giving him a half brother, too, you know, to dispel any rumors and questions. but, i thought about it more as i started home, and i wanted to just ask him why he felt that way. my cousin always asks me why my clothes fit like they do, my grandmom asked me if i'm into music and poetry, i mean...
look. i live in a city where the vast majority of trend-following teen and twenty something males (femmes too, but for this discussion i'll ignore the flowered flip flops and flare legged jeans, with those fucking asinine gypsy blouses) can't motherfucking dress, but the catch is, they
1)think they know how to
2)expect everyone in that age/sex group to look that way
3)don't know marc jacobs from mark hamill, and don't care to.
(no, i wasn't wearing marc jacobs, but i'm sure the import is recieved.)
also, with that, they expect the only men that know how to dress to be homosexual, or whatever, and that's fucked up, but it's true.
i put myself in his shoes, and i realized that i may have thought the same thing myself, had i been a dumbassed neanderthal-ish product of a fucked up stasis lusting enviroment, instead of myself.
so, i in some sick way understand where duke was coming from.
and with that being said, it leads me to wonder how much shit i'll catch for looking that way in front of L O T S of people. look at q-tip, he went from hippie to gay, never just looking like jonathan davis, for what, 13 years? shit, with the release of Amplified, niggas wrote him off as THE gay rapper.
that's crazy, and it's something i'd maybe have to deal with. i can't imagine having that rumor hover over me like a sickening black cloud.
sucks, but that's reality for you. to the dude in the passenger seat of the lumina...
betcha the farm i can take your girl, Bitch. promise you that.
lol
what else?
i've been getting at the triton le with regularity these days, now that sampling is in full effect. i was in record exchange today, bought this dave brubeck lp with cal tjader on drums and vibes, man, that shit's good for about 3 album's worth of piano riffs alone- but then i complimented it with 2 erroll garner joints, some art tatum... i'm going to dig for breaks tomorrow, see what i can come up with. there's an old eddie bo record with a break- 's called hook and sling... my dad has the 7" single. i'm trying to figure out how i can flip that.
been writing alot of introspective shit, trying to keep the pen moving, regardless of how much i'd just like to go to sleep or something.
been downloading shit like crazy. yo, soulseek is the truth. ON MY MAMA (c) dmx.
which is the perfect segue into my next short discussion.
seriously. everyone's got to hear morena.
i'm sitting here at this moment listening to "i'll do it for you" by king britt. (vik sang on it/perhaps had a hand in producing it)
his ear for melodies/chord arrangements are impeccable as all hell, and he knows how to interweave his voice through the instruments, knows how to do his vocals up right... jeezis, morena is genius. i've been on a hunt for anything he's touched. i'm proud to say dude is from philly. nobody out the touch of jazz camp is fucking with him, no vidal and his little team, NObody. vikter is fucking nuts. damn.
i haven't respected a musician's work and style this way since mos def. niggas KNOW how i feel about mos.
*for those that will click, scroll around, it's in there somewhere.*
yeah, vik is nice with his. don't sleep.
um...
w o m e n & l o v e & r e l a t i o n s h i p s & s e x & m e . . . *looking confused and defeated* i think i'm giving up for now.
that's all i'll say about that.
so like, enough with the flirting. some folks i just can't help to, but i'm going to work my hardest to cut that shit out, i've dealt with enough dead ends and surprise boyfriends/ex's and miscommunications for now... i'm going to concentrate on supporting myself, breathing easy and working hard. getting this music shit up to fucking par.
chea.
Peas McFly.
