polyphony.

let's talk.

...word.

i just feel like talking to somebody right now... sitting in a dimly lit room and thinking and talking, pausing, listening to the crackle of a random jazz joint, and then breaking the soft din of peace with a little more convo...

i been feeling like that all today.

i think that's why i sat and engaged my fam in spirited discussion by the kerosene heater in the living room. just felt like laughing and talking with somebody. i dunno. sometimes i get like that.

anyway...
lots on my mind these days.
i've made a mess of much of my life, just by sitting around and watching things happen around me, not much involvement on my part...
i guess i'm trying to make up for it now. like, i was thinking earlier about how my return to school has been about proving to myself that i could do it... seeing whether i'm really just a lazy bum destined for mediocrity, or if i could do like the good students and get A's and shit.

cuz i fucked up all through school... for one reason or another. it got to the point where i didn't even have faith in myself to be able to pass classes... when i started college, i'd sit in class and watch folks be good students and be half amazed at how they did it and half angry at myself for not being able to do it. i dunno. it was the same way with work too... i was never employee of the month, never even got mentioned as being a good worker... it's hard to explain why.

but the same attitude that i took towards school on my 2nd go round is similar to what i'm going thru now with this job... of course it's only been 5 days. but some of the things i've done in these 5 days i would have never done in past years. i'm just on top of shit constantly. almost too on top of it... i mean, there were times when i was late for a first day at a job...

i'm just trying so hard now to be a model person, you know?
and it' s like, with this job... there's no work for me lots of times, so i'm just on pins and needles, jumping at any opportunity to be a good worker. but like, i think it's just because i got sick of reading other cats blogs or whatever, and seeing that they were actually WORKING at work... so many of my contemporaries have established things for themselves, and i'm still floundering about in my almost-mid 20s. going to work and acting like responsible adults, leaving the bullshit for after 5, or the weekends.

i'm mad that i'm just getting that, but then again, i'm glad.

cuz i want my own things man.
i want the simple shits that i've envied from everybody around me, back from elementary, high school, college, work, friends in general.
and i don't really know where i'm going with this... suffice it to say that i'm on some sort of mission.
whatever tho. just felt like talkin bout that a moment.

man. i need to get to the record store.
i can not wait till i get paid, so i can enjoy to some extent the fruits of my labor. it looks so far in the future tho... i forgot why i hated working thru this temp agency. but yeah... records. i gotta finish this computer i was building. gotta get that car too... and then the apt, depending on what happens with school.

whatever the case, i'm in need of dividends.
i also need to stop bullshitting and do some songs... this weekend should be a start. try to get some rhymes out, just get some shit recorded. von is making songs because he's bored. these cats make me feel like such a scrub, man.

but fuck it, i'm on my grind yo.

kid ain't shaved since the wedding... been rocking dickies and timbs to work, hoodies and those $2 a pair black cotton gloves from the corner store. lol looking the part and shit. and yo!
all this working out has paid off... i was lifting in the mirror last night and was like damn. muscle mass came up on the for reals. i'm well on my way. as soon as i knock a song out, i think the ball will really be rolling, as far as that come up i used to babble about.
yo-
i work for a jewish man, so i have no work on monday. that's so dope yo.
we get off jewish holidays dogs. sweet.


nite.