polyphony.

being a nigger

the intricate dynamic that is that statement is hard to explain. i don't know if i was ever blissfully ignorant to it, but i might have made attempts at ignoring it.

in this world, i am a nigger. what that word stands for, what it encapsulates, i represent that. and it's fucked up, you know? it's like, you can fuckin' be on top of your shit, and put on your best suit and have a nice hair cut and smile as white as possible but through and fuckin' through:

the nigger lives

i dunno.

i started my job today, and let it be stated now that i work with all white folks, on main st. in manayunk, which is a predominantly white demographic. and that's cool. let it also be stated that, for the record, i haven't confronted any out and out racism/prejudice/whatever. but it's in the fuckin' eyes man, it's like, it's inexplicable... imagine walking down the street at night, and 4-5 yards ahead of you, crickets are singing away. if you know anything about crickets, you know that they will shut the hell up as you pass.

it's wild man...

that shit is worse than someone coming out and getting at you like "oh wow, it's a black guy". this is a temp assignment i'm on, and of course, these people have never seen me before, so they are as clueless as i am about the meeting we are about to have.

they look at me when i hit the 4th floor and i want to spare their eyes, like hey wait a second, i'm a good one hol' up don't worry i'ma do my job see my suit wait don'tcallthecopsssss...

and i subsequently curse myself for feeling like that. but i think it's only natural, human tendency even, to want to be accepted... you know how you get that burn at the bottoms of your eyelids and you feel the tingle in your nostrils that lets you know you are about to cry?

yeah. i didn't, but still. it was there for like half a second. i wasn't in the club, and even though i never was specifically excluded, i know i can't really join.

yo.. i don't give a Fuck what you think, player. that's why niggas these days get so upset when they feel the hot breath of our racial structure. look at dead prez, them niggas talk a whole lotta shit on their album about taking back resources for the oppressed people and shit, but hell, deep inside them cats are hurt cause a white man looked at them wrong, perhaps an exponential form of that "look", but they are responding in anger to feeling less than what they know they are.

simple and fuckin' plain.

i went into a steakshop on main st. and apparently the place was employing crickets. lil' miss behind the counter shut the hell up as i walked through the door, ended up greeting this woman 20 feet from the counter - i got my steak and everything with out a problem... i dunno. i'm not taking issue with these people per se, more so with that racial structuring in which everybody is learning to perform...

i don't know if i could possibly explain it anymore. it's just ill and as much as like the company of similar hued folk, the answer isn't to run from shit.

i wish i knew what it was, though.

anyway.




it hath arrived.


chea.

oh, and, i don't want folks to get the wrong idea about the people i work with. from what i can tell, they are all good people who really don't know any better. and i could say that for just about anyone. i dropped my tongue in cheek shit about just about every race out there, along with other enclaves of society. no one's ABSOLUTELY accepting, and that's whats really sad.

but yo, the TRITON!!!!! demo by january, i hope.

peazy fo' sheezy.