polyphony.

i think i'm coming to a crossroads with this job.

i've been operating on half throttle for a minute now, and it's starting to show. my patience is wearing thin with everything involved in maintaining it. i mean, i was focusing on a career change LONG before i ever got this job, so i was already looking past it when i walked in the front doors for the first time.

the thought of leaving job security is frightening. i have a home to support, man. like my co-worker said yesterday, when i asked her if she planned on staying here:

"yeah. i got kids man."

i feel that 100%. those kinds of things will make you feel married to whatever situation you're in. it's like, you build a castle out of playing cards, or you're playing jenga. all of a sudden every muscle-twitch becomes calculated, and you are scared to even take a deep breath, because you don't the bottom to fall out on you.

but then, there's the thing about risk. what if it doesn't fall out?

ignorance as to the eventual outcome should lead the risk taker to believe that there's a 50/50 chance that things will fail or succeed. those are fair odds. not good, but not necessarily bad. and better to risk it all at 26, than at 36. right?

long story short, i wanna quit.
or get fired.

i just don't feel like i'm good enough at the other things i do TO warrant venturing out like that. i'm taking my baby steps and seeing if the water is "fine", but even knowing that the life-raft is tethered to a wall of mediocrity, i'm still scared to take the plunge without it.

it's complicated.

but the longer i sit in this office and day dream about things i need to be doing, is the longer i do myself a colossal disservice and rot.

i hate getting fired. it's only happened once... it's unattractive on the record, it's ugly when it happens. but it'd get me some free money, while i got my life on it's feet. also too, you can't just ask to be fired, or let go.

on the other hand, i could quit. but that eliminates unemployment compensation (i think).

or i could stay. and hate it.

ugh.

i mailed a beat cd to a producer manager. please god, let dude fall in love.