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December 12, 2006
there's a conclusion i finally came to, and i went thru a range of emotions in the process of coming to that conclusion
first i felt silly for wanting anything other than feeling deeply in love.
i had it in my head that love was, and always would, and *should* be enough--all the feeling cherished and adored and fully understood were extras that u were fortunate to have if u had em.
so, i tried to stifle it, but it never felt right... the truth was i cldnt see anything wrong with wanting those things or expecting them to be there in a relationship, so i got confused
then i began to feel that maybe i didnt deserve those extra things. that was a really rough thing to have to feel & go thru
& then, i sort of wised up and realized that a relationship *should* include those things--love, in my opinion, is supposed to be a safehaven; when everything else in life sucks & u feel like uve been turned away everywhere else, ur supposed to be able to turn to love & the one u love and be shown and made to feel that u *are* wanted and needed and appreciated and cherished & understood
that's essential, imo
cause without those things, it becomes boring, chore-like, and just another fact of life rather than a miracle of it
& in realizing this, i realized that there was nothing at all wrong with wanting it--i'd always thought my wanting it was a bigger problem than it's absence; not the case
& in realizing all of that, i finally realized that i deserved it, and now im not prepared to settle anymore for love's sake. i think i was doin that at one time
cause one of the hardest realizations (ive said some version of the word realize like 20 times lol) in life/love is that ur not getting or cant get those things from the person u want them from the most, that person u love
but u know what?
the bitter truth is that if he wont do it, another man will. that's not to say u shld pack up and leave or whatever, cause whatever u choose to do is on u
but
i guess my point here is that ur not wrong for wanting the things u deserve, and u do deserve happiness. its impossible to feel fully happy when u know that there's something missing
i dont envy u
good luck tho, & chin up
you said a mouthful. my fear is that i'll begin looking for *love* in places i know i should not... this is something i'm trying to come to grips with now; i.e. preventing this fear from coming to fruition.
8:12 PM
i like your diary thingy. very personal. yours is a real diary. all personal thoughts. have i said the same thing twice now?
7:19 AM