polyphony.

argh

im trying to decide which part of me has the louder voice. do i want to engage in coital activities more than i want a solid relationship? i think that i'm playing the fence, but leaning heavily towards just having a mutually beneficial bond with some one of the opposite sex.

i dunno.

it doesn't necessarily have to be labeled. i just really need someone to hold sometimes. someone to tell my fucking problems. go see a movie with. somebodysomebodysomebody etcetera.

and i have no concept of what's good for me. what i'm capable of. i know what i want, but i don't know if it's what i need, or whether it really needs me. i do know, and am positive of the fact that i spend entirely too much time contemplating things of this nature.

i'm just wondering what will happen when i start school in january, at community college of philadelphia, the jawn capital of the south eastern pennsylvania. should be interesting. gonna have to try hard to concentrate.

a good friend of the family died this morning. it's really terrible... he was in a long waiting line for a heart, and basically knew that he wasn't going to get one, but he stuck around longer than anyone had expected. he was the EXACT same age as my mom. 5/9/52. just turned 50.

it really sucks for his wife, though. and his daughter. a few years ago, their oldest son was killed in a car accident that not only took his life (he was 18) but broke the neck of his passenger, and killed about 4 little kids that he hit. it was a sick scene. he was drunk, speeding down 66th avenue, and was going so fast that the car took off and flew into a house, killing some kids playing outside.

SAD.

then, about 4 years later, her other son was shot to death in a west philly corner store. apparently, dude knew he was going to get killed, and just didn't really give a fuck. he hadn't dealt well with his brother's death, and was basically fucked up since. he stayed in trouble, selling his little weed here and there, hung around the wrong people, got a situation going where he was going to be in a gunfight, and took a few bullets to his head.

fuckin insane man.

i was cool with these cats; they were my boys, you know? always peace when we talked. it was like a bad dream when steve (2nd brother) got shot. i was like, are you sure you don't mean tim? you're late. tim died a few years ago. but naw, it was steve, it was on the news, and i was so scared man.. iit's like, the fuck is that like? having a death wish that comes true?! i kept seeing myself facing somebody down, and them shooting my ass dead.

now ms. becky has a daughter as her immediate family. how do you not give up in that situation?

i feel for her so deeply.

*Sigh*

gotta see her soon...


um... people under the stairs' "We'll Be There" is an incredible song. i can count on them for about 4 to 6 dope beats per album. that ain't bad for some consistency. props to them.

think i'm gonna get at making beats again myself.

peace.