polyphony.

through the fire.

yo, turn my mic up.

yeah.

i did alot of thinking this past weekend. a whole lot.

actually, i'm a liar. not this past weekend, more like the past two nights.

from nearly *jump*, this year has been such a roller coaster ride. experiences, emotions, all of that. soaring highs and plunging lows, sometimes at the same time. i'm still not completely sure how i've responded to it all, i imagine that the only way i could've survived was to go through the motions and respond/react with as much educated guessing as possible.

i've been not-single for nearly two straight years... unwittingly finding myself in one purgatorial relationship after another. purgatory in the sense that i've been neither here nor there, not in a relationship, but not a bachelor either. some of the time it was my fault that the relationship wasn't defined. some of the time it wasn't. some of the time both parties just accepted that it wasn't the time to take it *there.* whatever the case, i've been *there* each time in spirit. i suppose that's not much consolation for the times when i was being stubborn and wouldn't take it there... but it's a fact all the same.

cats know how i do. i try to think things out and choose the best route to traverse... sometimes it's a mattter of picking poisons, sometimes the options are polar. in the case of relationships and matters of the heart, though- it's never an easy choice to make. i tend to overthink, too, so trust that this factors in to my decisions and can color them negatively. but like i've said before- i just try to to the right thing each time. i really do. if you've been in my life for an extended period of time, chances are you mean something to me, this includes romantic interests, friends, romans and countrymen. this being the case, i don't want to fuck anyone over.

but i've never had so much stress in my life regarding relationships as i've had these past few years, particularly since 2001. and the crazy thing is that i haven't been in a relationship! i've been ostensibly single since 2000... all this stress and absolutely nothing to show for it.

i'm asking all participants and involved parties to take no responsibility for what's happened.

it's life, nah mean. i'll take it in stride. fodder and fuel for the fury yo.


holl@.