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June 28, 2004
sup.
trust that, in these massive expanses of passed time between new posts, that i'm doing insane amounts of thinking, contemplating my navel sans the pretense, if you will.
about what, you ask?
do i really have to go there yo?
i do?
*sigh*
work.
future.
the lady.
and all the sub-categorical etcetera therein.
first off, the trip was all it was cracked up to be and more. i needed it more than i thought i did, and as it turns out, i needed way more time than i had. i had actually fooled myself into believing that a week would be enough.
ha.
it's amazing how things like a short vacation and some free time will readjust your perspective on everything... i totally wanted to quit when i got back. i still do, actually. work's been the worst for me. i've never dreaded getting up in the morning for work like i do with this job. just complete and utter dissatisfaction. and honestly, it's not so much the job as it is my immediate superior and the way he manages.
i don't know how much longer i can take it.
add to that the whole music thing. i think i could be really good if i had the time to practice. i mean, REALLY good.
REALLY.
i've been feeling extra creative. but it's like, all this equipment, all these records that i've managed to amass in the quest to drop the album- i only have time to look at it on the way out in the morning and sleep next to it once i get home. i just have this overwhelming feeling that i'm letting lots and lots of things pass me by.
i get like this sometimes, as i'm sure one could gather by sifting thru the many updates i've dropped in the past few years. just feeling like i'm wasting my time in whatever position of life i've managed to squeeze myself.
but this time, i think it's less about being lazy and wanting to sleep an extra hour, and more about actually sizing up my situation versus my potential, and making decisions based on whatever output i get from said equation. i don't see any room for develop ment at this job. i've been here close to a year, worked harder than ever to try to move ahead, and i still can be found stuffing envelopes occasionally. it's unfulfilling, and it doesn't have to be. i mean, i'm glad i'm getting paid, but really.
then there's the whole thing about school. that's the area of discussion where i tend to get quiet and morbidly self reflective. i'm actually at the point where i'm a bit embarrassed about it all, and though i'm sure my peoples would tell me to feel otherwise, it's something i can't help. i hate the fact that i've failed so many times at finishing what i started nearly five years ago. i hate the fact that people multiple years my junior are looking for their masters and what not and i'm still plodding through my existence with the deathgrips on a barely living wage job.
and what sullies the whole fiasco even more is my constant rant of "wait til the album drops!"
i have a bass-playing uncle who's ALWAYS looking for the right gig, much like delroy lindo's Woody Carmichael character in Crooklyn.
i have a brother who, though living under the constant threat of eviction, continuously forces the issue of selling his art and downplaying the necessity of a job.
i'm not trying to be like that. i try to do the right things, try to make the smartest moves, i try to be as aggressive as possible without abandoning my cushion, but i honestly don't know how much more careful i can be.
i've got so many other things tugging away at my time, begging for attention... it's like, if i ignore them any more, what will i miss?
and then there's her.
*points*
that's a whooooole 'nother post there, all to itself. in some alien language involve sine waves reaching down beyond the deepest levels and the highest pitches of the human hearing range. with rhythmic pulses and visuals much too complex for the simple mind to comprehend.
but whatever the case, it all amounts to incredible amounts of stress. i can hardly keep up with myself. it's like having a pair of legs that run forever. you can absolutely feel every bit of fatigue, you can be out of breath, but there's some disembodied energy source that keeps feeding them and making them run. you have no choice but to watch your life pass you by, often in real time, and you just get more dead along the way.
yeah.
good note, tho. my brother came over and we worked on a beat. it was a beginning. we'll soon get our heads around the whole working together thing. we have a few projects we're trying to drop some tracks on, the most recent being the b.informed compilation.
if things go the way i want em, we'll kill it.
only thing is the $99 acceptance fee. what's really good with that? maybe i'll get a discount because i write for the magazine?
*shrug*
speaking of which. cats need to go peep that new issue. also, i'd like some correspondence from the powers that be. i don't know whats going on, but i haven't spoke to a soul at the office in a good while. that's a problem in my book.
finally, i think i want one of these.
why?
well...
do i really need to say more?
peace, cats.
