polyphony.

so i went into the ER last thursday night.

the whole day, my heart felt like something was off. almost like a fluttering in my chest, and there was a little pressure. i assumed it was something i ate (or hadn't eaten) and i shrugged it off.

11 pm that night, i'm sitting down to eat a late dinner and watch Jon Stewart, when my heart starts pounding, and i get light headed, almost like i'm about to pass out. i put the food down, pause, let it chill; and then- assuming the worst, i'm like "heart attack"- i grab the phone to holler at moms.

it happens again and i start getting frantic.

i get moms, and she offers to take me to the ER at Lankenau Hospital. i honestly didn't feel like getting prepped for chilling up in a hospital all night, but i sure didn't wanna sit in the apartment wondering if i was going to make it through the night.

long story short, i get to the ER, take an EKG and sit there for nearly 4 hours before they tell me that they don't see anything wrong, and discharge me. now, i like hearing that nothings wrong.

but something was wrong. i've been around the block nearly 26 times and i've never felt that before.

they did say that there was some mild arrythmia/palpitations, but the stuff i felt when i was watching jon stewart certainly didn't feel mild. i have to get to the doctor. i'm going to try to procure a holter monitor.

i've got a feeling that it may have much to do with the terrible treatment of my body i've been executing in the last few years. short nights, long days, sporadic unhealthy meals, stress. the retarded thing is that i KNOW this stuff can kill me. for instance:

i slept all of 4 hours yesterday. this has been going on for at least a week. i went to bed at around 6 am sunday morning. i stayed up til 4 am that night. up til 3am on friday.

i don't even wanna discuss how i've been eating. and i had the nerve to try to start a weightlifting program?! lol with supplements??

HA.

i'm surprised i didn't have to deal with this before.

i guess my main thing now is that i want to make sure that my heart will be ok in the future. like, is my condition (whatever it may be) reversible?

if it is, it will most likely be by correcting all the lifestyle errors i'm committing. unfortunately i can't start untl i get home tonight, but yeah...

1) sleep. way more of it than i get. it's hard because i work 8 hours a day, which means im devoting about 12 hours out of a day to work related processes. being an artist who doesn't see $ for his toilings, finding a time efficient compromise between my day job and my life's calling is incredibly hard. i ain't gon' die off that though. bed by 12:30am is gonna have to be mandatory.
meh.

2) eating. i need to grocery shop every 2 weeks, without fail. i rarely shop without DIRE need. i also need to prepare my meals more faithfully. and i've GOT to eat regularly. smh.

stress? well.

yeah. gtfoh.

*sigh*

hold a candle light vigil for your boy, folks.

ugh.

yeah.

i've been neglecting this blog, with reason.

firstly, i've only had music on my mind. i'm pretty focused, and i don't wanna lose the drive, so i've been excluding alot of the excelsior. so, not much to write about. secondly, i think i've become afraid of oversharing. it's weird because in person, i'm typically a private dude. not many people know my life story. i'm of the belief that that's the way it should be.

*shrug*

anyway.

i came here today because i had some things i wanted to get out that don't fit steadystarving's focus.

i hate people.

it's not as sweeping as it sounds, i don't hate everybody. just...i have serious disdain for the average person, man. my job for instance.

it's documented somewhere how many muscles it takes to smile. i hate coming to work and dealing with non-smiling motherf*ckers. what's your deal, really? it's that hard to be cordial, or dare i say it, pleasant?!

that shit ruins my day.

then i feel doubly bad for offering up the pleasantries but getting nothing in return. it's like somebody ignoring the hand you offer for a handshake. it's disrespectful.

you'd think working for a non-profit would have atypical office atmosphere. guess not.

i'm getting jaded. if folks don't wanna engage in the things that make 8 hour slave exploits less painful, that's fine. i have access to a searing stare of death and i have enough to go around the WHOLE office. yep.

i get paid tomorrow, and i have a long weekend. i'm seriously considering going to the bar with a *bean and seeing where the night ends up.

::.

there's a spot i'm gonna hit friday night that will be spinning some jay dee joints in memoriam. i have a feeling i'll get pretty emotional. hearing his music over a good booming system has had that effect so far, even at my apartment.

i hope alotta people show up.


::.

i'm thinking i basically came here to vent about people. i'm all typed out.

1!

rip jay dee.




jay dee passed today.

i'm absolutely devestated.

peep.