polyphony.

i think sometimes i try too hard.

particularly in the wrong areas.

whatever though, cats will understand soon.

so, i get my soundcard soon. it's paid for. i dunno, i talk about this music stuff so much. i hope it pans out for me like i intend it to. i hope cats wanna listen to my shit too. i mean, i tell cats that once i get this off my chest, if it doesn't fly, i'll be glad that i had the opportunity to release some expression. but i dunno if i believe that totally. and i wonder if the fact that i really want folks to like my shit saps at the honesty of my expression, whatever it may be.

i swear i think too much.

and i get the feeling that people don't believe me. it makes me angry. i dunno man. i'm tired and confused, and i've got the music bug up my butt.

good night.

Æ:93º

(okay. this template is gonna have to do. i'm still pissed, but yeah.)


yeah, it's been a while. cats thought i left them.

it hit 93º today. that's kinda ill, and it's supposed to continue. i love the hot weather yo. i sleeps buckraw, and i take mad showers. i stay outside all night, and when i drive, the breeze is welcome. 's what i'm talkin about. plus, the girls look so good.

but their minds' not ready.

i don't know.

yeah, so- an old flame of sorts calls me outta the blue today. it was good hearing her voice, and she's always got some drama popping off in her life. she's telling me about her b/f she just dumped, and how he's been living with his baby's mom for the whole relationship with my flame, and when he decided to cut him off because of this, he decides to take a broken liquor bottle to his wrist, to scrape her tattooed name off.

...

i'm like, yo. where do you find these cats?

and then! she's pregnant by him. ha. leave niggas alone for a year and they wild out. so i ask her, what's she gonna do about the baby? she's like "what the fuck you THINK i'ma do?!"

*sigh*

she's had like 6 abortions already. people... moral dilemmas aside, let's refrain from using abortions as birth control/prevention. get a condom. get on the pill. good lord. so i get quiet, and she's all "dave, what?"

"...nothing."

anyway. good to hear from her. she says she's moving to cali, but she's been telling me that for a minute. i'm inclined to believe her though, she usually follows through on what she says she's gonna do. of course when i mentioned my plans on moving to newyork, she's on some "you *know* i will come up there with you, don't fucking play." ...um, ha.

she probably has the foulest mouth i've ever heard on a woman. she'll breathe hard enough and i swear i'll hear a cuss. that's the cool thing about her... lol. weird right? something about a foul mouth that isn't forced, especially in sexual sitchiations... man... sex-A © sak. like, there was this one time... a lil something popped off tween me and she.

'twas ill.

we only rapped for a few minutes, her psycho ex was coming back to pick up his tooth brush. silly chicken, don't you know that that toothbrush means not a hillabeans to dude? either it's gonna be a brawl, an apology session, or some sex goin on. trust.

hmmm... what else is new?
my lil sister gillian graduated from highschool. man, that's my heart y'all. i don't talk about her much here, but she's doin it and i'm proud of her. she gets on my nerves alot, we fight alot, but on the general, i want the best for her. she's replaced justin as my in-house confidante... and she looked so pretty in the graduation dress. i'd never tell her these things, but yeah. i want her to blow up, be somebody special. i'm on her all the time about doing things 101%. staying involved in her life. being selfish when she needs to be, and doing it up s'rious like. 's my heart.

she's supposed to go to moore next year. i wanted her to go to FIT, with me. maybe moms will let her go if i'm up there. i can keep the watchful eye on her. and she could keep one on me.

dog, i'm broke again. like, destitute. lol i just paid a few bills, it's worth it, but man o man if it didn't tap my pockets something nasty. and then, i got dropped from my classes. so, unless some money pops out of nowhere, i'm stuck until september. i'm trying to look forward to this family reunion in july, it should be fun. all of my cousins and my brother(s? hopefully) and sisters coming together at my grandmom's house, just like old times. i'm tryna rent a car too. i hate askin dad for the whip.

and i *think* i'm going to the beach in mid july. i was invited, but i don't know if things have changed. hopefully i can save up enough for a hotel, and make it like, a 3 day/weekend thing. should be ill.

okay so like yeah

you see this perriwinkle sht


yeah im pissed

and my frickin hits counter is gone
this wack ass template... it's not what's shown when i previewed it

i'm about to start a whole new blog up

this is some bullshit.

oh yeah, hi everybody.

negatives: my friends dont want to be my friends anymore, it keeps raining and im up at 4am

positives: ive got generally dope friends, its warming up and my room is the shit

all you cats out there making beats and rhyming, you better get your weight up, it is not a game. watch how i play shit in the next few months... on some stealth action... only my closest associates know how im gettin down... sneak attack and shit.

br&l mfka!!!

and all you motherfuckers with significant others, yeah, i'ma be up on that shit too!!!!!

i feel like im drunk. im just tired.but i meant everything i said.

good night.

. . .

*cues up nas is like*

that beat. man, really. is it too much to ask for, a 14 cut album, no guest spots, nas and pete rock and primo? i mean, i'd throw ninth wonder in there too, seriously. he's the ONLY other cat that i've heard do nas justice, outside of large pro.

large pro fell off. (see: 1st class)

so yeah, just primo and pete and 9th. something to dream about, for sure.

anyway.
ain't nothing much pop off today. i went to south street for ODUNDE. it was cool. mad black people. MAAAAAAD beautiful women. like, where are these women on your average day? i swear these people only exist when an event comes about. despite the rain, the people came out. donnie performed, and he lit it up. i met les nubians, who live here now. they sure is pretty. and, i saw this girl my x-bestfriend used to date/sex. actually i saw alot of familiar faces, from the boho circles i used to run in, pre awakening. lol they still on that same shit, beads and locs down to here, trail mix sandals and guitars, uber-pious; the soapless mofokers. those are generalizations, which i loathe, but, i'm pretty much right.

the thing that struck me about the girl my man used to date, was that, man... 2 years ago, this cat was on top of the world. she was a nice looking lady, maybe about 30. she's a dancer, striking face, a video (bo)hoe... i couldn't pull no woman like that. he did, somehow. if she knew where he was right now, the kind of shit he's on, she'd probably die of laughter. but he called me up about a month ago, talking about how he'd like to hit her up again, see what was up. he still has a chance in his mind.

saddening, i guess. who knows, maybe he does have a chance.

anyways, i saw how folks responded to donnie. i therefore need to be running this rap shit. whatever it takes, i'ma give it my best go. just wanna know what it feels like to have a couple thousand folk jamming to your music. that's gotta be like orgasm for like an hour straight. i can't imagine.

in other news, i'm learning to do websites in dreamweaver mx. i'm a focking one man army yo... once i figure out photoshop, it's on. i'ma do my site, my album cover, all my logos, my tshirts, my beats, my mixdowns and my engineering... man o man.

yo... cubase sx, omg. i LOVE that program. there's gotta be a better way to do drums, i'm sure there is, i just haven't figured it out yet, but wow. i'm not gonna lie, if it wasn't for soulseek, i wouldn't have any of this stuff, but yo. i have $2000+ in music production software... and ALL THE EFFECTS i've been downloading. i love it. getting a new softsynth, playing a few chords, and putting effects on it? making a simple rhodes piano sound like a fat wurlitzer, and playing jazzed out versions of mary had a little lamb?

so lovely. the world is not ready.

on that note, i'm out.

soul hustler in the city.

*cues up Still Not a Player by Big Punisher*

...how good is that song?

that shit could be a summer anthem THIS year.

anyway.

i have bad news.

ok, like, i'm broke. every two weeks i get a check electronically deposited into my bank account, kaya can attest to this, a good enough sum of money for me to do things with. handle business, etc. well, this is my last week for recieving funds. cool. only, for some strange reason, i only got half of the money i expected to get. this is a problem. i woke up this morning thinking about how broke i am. i will go to sleep tonite lamenting how destitute i really am. it went from bad to worser. and then i had the nerve to win that soundcard from the last entry.

life spittin at the kid, ha.

whatever though.

i went to see the italian job today, and i loved it. i mean, i'm a sucker for movies like that. think ocean's eleven, with not as good a soundtrack, and rappers turned actors. yeah, marky mark counts. i wonder if he and mos battled on the sets, offscreen. they shoulda. it was good tho. VERY ocean's elevenesque. i enjoyed.

it was a matinee of sorts, a $7 matinee at 40th and Walnut. i like that place, but it's really focking expensive. of course, i was alone. i really missed having somebody there with me. rickita you can call me a punk and someone who doesn't know what they want, but whatever.

it's all good. i know what i feel.

but, i gotta concentrate on getting work. NOW. honestly, if worse comes to worst and i have to eschew classes this summer, i'll do it. i'm still applying to pratt for the spring semester. but once again, the issue of dollars and sense is crashing down upon me like a ton of shit bricks.

i get a feelin i'm on a solo mission; cats got to man the fk up. see where my mettle's at.
i've yet to prove to myself that i've got life game.

watch.