polyphony.

*sigh*


yeah, i know. it's late. i can't sleep. sue me.

so today was a collection of highs and lows.

i'll not mention the lows. they know what they are, and i have only silence in their behalf.

highs-

so school is finally done. i had my final review today, and it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be. i'm thinking that a pair of Bs is how the final grades are looking, which is good considering. i cleaned out my locker, lugged all my work home, and i won't see the inside of communtity college until july.

i'm amped about starting a label now. i don't know if that will even pan out; i guess the hardest part about it is getting it to be successful. from what i understand, anybody can start a indie label. i did some research on what's required, and with some capital and hardwork, i think it's a feasible venture. i'd like to try. just to put my stuff out.

___________________


look... i'm building something here.. i'm adding things as i go, freestyling my life for sure, but i have an ultimate point to make.

i mean, yeah, it's basically that i'm dope, but i don't think there's anything wrong with that.

but honestly, i'm also- more significantly even- trying to make sure i'm going about things right. sometimes i wonder whether i overcontemplate my existence. i imagine it's pretty obvious that i do give lots of thought to it, but- i'm 23. i shouldn't lose so much sleep over it. 's life i guess. everything seem so serious.

really, though. i just want to know i'm doing right by myself, and everyone involved with me. honestly, to anyone with that level of involvement who's reading... i just want to do right by you. i hope the rifts i will inevitably create (have created) along the way don't become impassable schisms.

but yeah. ::mushmomentover::

this summer's concentration is building bank and beatcrafting. penning rhymes and getting things in order to make a dream a reality.

and sak, if i had your paper, man. i'd really have no excuse for not having some singles pressed.

but life is life, and eventually i'll pimp the game. watch.

2:42am

i'm going to start up a scholarship for aspiring mcs. after the projected blow up, whenever that is, i'm going to start developing a scholarship for mcs who want to go to college.. maybe like a 1-2yr full tuition joint. everybody has scholarships these days. the mcs need one. we want to be able to afford higher ed too. & i'm very serious.

but yeah, tell me why i'm up at 3am? i have to get up tomorrow to pick up a magazine from a classmate (for my final project)... i really should be sleeping. so i think i will. just wanted to document that idea. 'cause i'm so serious.

mea culpa.

i, thief of hearts,
reach
for the cataclysm in my pocket-
a polite villainy i've inflicited with impunity,
only to find it absent;
and i've
spent lifetimes giving pause to emotion,
-i structured a macabre sustenance out of the fibers of
your patience
claiming what isn't mine
and now, this,
my tepid communion with your good graces,
an acknowledgement of my disgrace
i place beneath
the skin of your dreams-
swallowing my belated moments
for the sake
of your new day

worte that last night...yeah.
and, i made it to school on time. early even. yo...

lemme tell you how dayb©sizzlin sak lucked OWT! man... so i get to class, and i'm doing my final project, the hallway drawing. i'm flying through it, measuring and marking, throwing this drawing down in record time, with record efficiency... straight up KILLING it. my instructor is dumbfounded at the way i'm murdering this project. i'm not embellishing, she was really amazed. she's like, "everybody else is struggling, but you really have the concept.. you are just about done!" so i'm happy. right?

then, bless her little soul, she suggests that i spend a little more time doing this one, and while every one else uses the next two class periods to finish theirs, i can do another one for E x t r a C r e d i t. that, folks, is what i am talking about. best news i had all day.

i'm out tho.

today was a good day

until half an hour ago.

it suddenly got crazy sour. i don't know what i expected, besides exactly what happened. i guess i just hadn't prepared for it properly.

or at all.

:(

...anyway.

i got this record by raw soul express. there's a cut on the B side called All Alone. 6:10 of pure unbelievableness. man o man. and the crazy thing is, when i listened to the record this afternoon i had no idea how portentious my favorite cut's title would be. ha. also, i could be wrong, but i think pete rock used the song "Dedicate All My Love" for "Mind Over Matter" on the InI album... i also bought roy ayers' "africa, center of the world". 2 for 2 isn't bad at all. there's another on my wish list tho, "The Mack" by Willie Hutch. wait til i start sampling this stuff. heads is not ready.

i was on south street today. i have never seen so many scantily clad women on south street during the day, on a tuesday no less! man, there was this one girl... she was avg height, but had those ridiculous track star thighs and like, 4" heels... all tho she had on baseball sox and those infernally lame sneaker shoes... and these really small shorts. really small. like, buttcheek waving high below the hemline small. like, sis it's a focking tuesday. 4:30pm. ya playin yaself © jeru. just standing on the corner of 4th and south, waiting for something. with roses in her hand. *shrug*

i just kept it moving.

but it really was a nice day today. 83... SUNNY. spring is the truth. it was good just to see people out, no umbrellas or coats... welcoming breezes. up in my room now, it's like 70. those hot nights are finally upon me. now i got a REAL reason to sleep unsheathed. chea. even if only for a few days... it's a beautiful harbinger of what's due soon.

got school tomorrow, 8am again. i PROMISE i will be there on time. i think we start our final project tomorrow, the hallway drawing. that's exciting, and a bit daunting. thank god we don't have to shade and go into extreme detail. there's going to be enough measuring and erasing as it is. but i'ma kill it, just because i want to.

i'ma kill everything from now on. i'm a capable brother.

speaking of which. this paper cats is hustlin on the train, the blackst*r, is one of the worst periodicals i have ever tortured my eyes with. good lord. this cat spits an aimless, wandering commentary about the mojo, the sexual energy found in music... specifically black music. even more specifically, R.Kelly's music. according to the writer, the "secret government" understands the power of the mojo, and the magnitude of mojo that Kelly wields in his music. of COURSE, the secret government rolls out the propoganda machine and attempts to destroy the R with talk of child pornography. i wish i had the patience to really break down how disappointed i was in this editorial, but i'm not feeling up to it. it was really bad though. i kept seeing austin powers' flouride-less smile everytime he mentioned mojo

spare a negro, please.

sooo... anyway... i think i'll listen to Get Down by nas, and then call it a night. don't feel too good.

put a fist up for black power, cause all i want is my freedom


semester's waning.

i have 4 projects left to complete, and a final review, along with a faculty review of my work. btw, the faculty review is AFTER my final day of class, so i have to make the god-forsaken trip back to 17th & Spring Garden again. i won't be free til may, in all likelyhood. nevertheless, it's pretty much over.

my personal review?

i'm proud of myself. somewhat. school and i don't have a good history. specifically my effort. i've gotten through decades worth of classes with minimal exertion. and i feel like, to an extent, i've really shown myself what i'm capable of, effort-wise. my drawing class has suffered considerably because i'm late all the time (it's an 8am class. i've routinely been showing up @ 8:20). i'm fully expecting to be saddened at my final grade, only because i know i gave them niggas work in drawing. whatever, tho.

b&w design?

that's where the work has really been. i guess i'm making a big deal out of getting homework in on time, coming through with projects and just basically being an adult about something i paid for with my own money, because i'm not used to it. i've essentially been doing what i'm supposed to. that's what's up. i'm sicka talkin about school, though.

god's son has been getting BURN in my discman. 9th wonder's remixes really put the album on another level, (though i might like the original and remix versions of get down equally) and nas's lyrics are on point. it isn't exactly illmatic, but then again, the man is nine years removed from the debut. he shouldn't be doing the same thing.

on the for rilly?

nas is ok with me. the more i listen to god's son, the more i appreciate him. the more clearly i remember exactly why he is tied with mos and thought for my fave-rit mcs of all time. plus he's engaged to kelis. have you peeped the new oneworld? that brahd is fantastic on the eyes, partner. but marriage, yeah, that's a grown man move. i respect that. i was talking to this cat in my design class today, as we both looked over my oneworld mag, and i mentioned that nas and kelis were engaged. he smiled a bit and said "i'm engaged too". i've always hated on youngfolks who made that decision- but now i think about it. it's not so wrong, i don't think... i mean, generally, my hate had more to do with the possiblity that the hearts of the parties involved weren't totally into it. but i think, beyond that, there's a jealousness of the ability to make that magnitude of commitment.

i dunno.

but i dap'd the cat down. 2003 is all about grown man moves. or grown woman. whatever. all my contemporaries reading this entry, let's do this. i mean, don't gotta necessarily get engaged. but yeah.

_____

hey sak, stay up. continually. man, i'd whoop somebody tail if i caught em bringing you to tears yo. freal.

_____

*eats a fake chocolate chip cookie*

these are the most disgusting cookies ever, i swear. alas, it was either this and some milk, a fairly common snack, or peanut butter and blackberry jelly sandwiches, the concept of which i just wasn't feeling.

i'm a bit perturbed because this of this beat i'm doing. #1, i can't get this sample of Phife saying "non-believers, you can check the stats" to play right in the chorus. it just doesn't sound right. and then there's this one section where over a 1 bar period, the bassline gets real heavy and muddy. pissing me off.

anyways. it's aight background music as i type.

so, i'm considering transferring early and going to pratt. i just want to do something adventurous and different and life altering. something relatively permanent. and i wanna bust this music out, man. but it's all tentative. i have a summer to enjoy, i'm still trying to move out, i have at least 1 more semester to slave for.

i figure it like this. all i want, all i need, it's pretty much in my power to have. i'm goin after it.

in other news, school is stealing all my energy and time. the 23rd can NOT come soon enough. i should take classes over the summer, but i really want to have my summer to myself (somewhat). if i can fit classes around work, i will do that, but i'm mainly concerned with getting the paper right so i can move. i can't see doing any more involved semesters at home. just ain't conducive.

we'll see tho.

sak

*sigh*


she on point. don't really know if there is any way i could put it better. like-

"it's funny how we all have our stories to share around the fire.

the little ditties composed to the tune of perceived greatness


if only in small glimmers momentarily


. . . just a few more pompous saturday night romps the size of las vegas' breasts


concocted to impress the lacks, where no one really gains past the moment those words are distributed


. . . . and by speaking the sentences our little inner zaggats guides are comprised of,


we find some kind of solace in being heard


. . . . or at least speaking with the hopes that someone'll catch the tail end of our most poignant moments on the wind.


a lot of times i sit around the circle with friends.


our jaws shifting loudly,


as our stories repeatedly meet the walls of crypts built between our hearts and stomachs.


right in that place we feel tugging us toward escape when something bad happens


those most honest and naked moments dying inside of us" © klamb


i mean. how absolutely correct is that? i couldn't begin to enumerate how many times i've sat down at the proverbial campfire, and spent many a winsome word in the name of painting for myself some sort of a positive outlook on life. it's always 3 times as good to listen to as it is to attempt achieving... sometimes i'm actually so good with the talking up of self, that i can step away from the convo feeling like there is hope. i don't lie, but the truth is that i can "break it DOWWWWWn" with much more aplomb than i have ever been able to build it up.


i'm working on it tho.


"shutting up and doing seems to be where it's at.


if u're truly great, u won't have to say so


game is recognizable


it just sux, cause i know that i'm good. " © sakalicious


i *am* that good.

cocky? maybe.
honest? most assuredly.
in denial? generally.

i say i'm in denial because the first step to recovery, as the saying goes is accepting your reality. my reality is that i'm good. i have trouble accepting that, sometimes to the point where i hold myself in contempt. it's not a self esteem issue- i don't think- but it's just, well,

"...i think it's just the notion of facing fear in public. not fears that nite lites and parents can quell,


but those things that are our own most unfortunate shortcomings. " © uknowho

(sorry for the blatant and rampant sampling of your entry, sak. royalty cheques are in the mail. just know that feelage is 131%.)

really, though- i've tasted the other side, man. getting back into school was an important step for me: not just because i need to finish school, cause, yeah, i do. more than that, though, is the fact that i had to prove to myself that i could be something that i was not when the idea hit me. i had to follow through on something. i had to see that i could do it, i had to do it, i had to be good at it. realisation of capability. it helped so much, because now every step i take, now matter how daunting, will be a step i approach with the concept of "conquer" on the brain. i'm sure i'll be scared of some things still- rome wasn't built in a day, for sure, but yeah.

i can do.

just gotta learn how to start saying i will, and following through.

_______________
b/side:

i'm gonna start wearing army surplus, shirts from the 70s, an assortment of hats, and i'll start using 's' instead of 'z'. brit style, like my mans eli.

chea.

50

so, i was in tower records last night, after leaving school.

i spend a little time in the books and magazines section, then i head over to the hip hop section. a little kid, no more than 12 or 13, is at the listening station, engrossed in the sounds of some album. i check, and to my surprise (not), it was 50 cent. now, i've been hating on 50, nonplussed as to how he could possibly sell so many albums with a weak product.

so, after the kid leaves, i step to the listening station and don the headphones, and for the first time, give "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" a listen.

i see why it sold so many albums now.

honestly, i still don't see what's so dope about the "In The Club" beat. "Wanksta" is mediocre at best. but overall, it's a well put together album, and 50 cent's flow is actually pretty dope. he's got mic charisma, and rhymes with emotion (yeah, you gotta hear the album to understand it). he's a respectable mc.

but the words, man, the words!

the 1st week numbers he did, something ridiculous like 800k, kept popping into my mind as i heard every song promote death and murder. if he wasn't talking about somebody watching
"their brains pop out of they skull" from his bullets he's using the sound of a gun cocking as the snare in a beat. i mean, duke is just reckless with his subject matter. i feel like c. delores tucker, but whatever. millions of folks, mindless drones that they already are, getting forcefed this ruthless view towards life: it just seems kinda scary. you could put dirty baby diapers over a neptunes beat and cats would be like, "yo, dirty diapers is the sh*t!!!"

even gangsterism, arguably, has a place in hip-hop- it certainly holds strong position in hip-hop's history- but wow.

calm that down a taste.

anyway, guess what?

i'm getting crafty with the beats, man. samples just jump out at me these days. i had alexis throw one of my joints on repeat! it's like, everyday i learn something new about putting a beat together. i'm not even good yet, but i can feel the progress each day- and i have the desire to work through my mistakes, make an OK beat better. i burned a couple of my joints on cd, and i play them in my headphones. the song with the bill evans sample is worthy walking around downtown to.

i cannot wait until this semester is over. i've had it with school for the moment. i just want to concentrate on music right now.

blame it on school, yo.

i hardly update these days, and it's really a shame.

just not motivated. school is sapping every ounce of my drive. but, since i have a massive all-nighter ahead of me, i'm procrastinating in the form of a blog update. here's to my slackership. *glasses clink*

cheers.

my life yo, has so much potential. i wonder how much the choices i make put limits on that potential... i mean, there are things i want to accomplish.

it's crazy, the places you can find inspiration. i'm sitting there watching real world, and arissa not wanting to go back home is me everytime i leave the crib for more than 2 hours. seriously. not to mention the times i travel to another city/state. i guess it was just, a bunch of 20somethings, my contemporaries, making life altering decisions, not whimsical ones, but decisions that had to be made.if i have a fatal flaw, its the lack of abilty to be spontaneous when the opportunities present themselves.

and, i hate that about myself.

i've promised, had talks with, even demanded of myself, that i learn this ability and put it to good use, but the veins are rife with this... timid lethargy... it's very hard to best, when it's so intrinsic a trait.

change is possible though. so i'm working with that concept, and we'll see what happens.

i am in school, and right now it's a love hate relationship. i love the fact that i got my butt back in school, and i'm doing reasonably well, but i hate everything else. there are no pretty jawns in my classes. i guess that's a blessing disguised as a curse. my art125 class is DE MAN DING. add to that the fact that i'm behind, and well, i am struggling hard to keep up. i hate the late night work sessions... i hate the possibity of either giving up my summers for the forseeable future in order to graduate on time, and then with a weak associates, and a very general art education, i will be thrust into the "transfer from ccp" game, where you can only hope your credits stick, and then after finally getting my bachelors, i can be thrust yet again into the bloodthirsty throngs of graphic designers who can't find work.

i swear, this is why i tell cats i just want to make music.

but whatever. i'm refocusing, and i am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, in short terms, specifically the 23rd of this month, when the semester ends.

it's april already. good lord.

___________

how about my little (12y/o) brother called either my mom or my sister an a**hole?

how about that?

i wish them luck on finishing up his upbringing.

___________


i misplaced my visa/atm card yesterday, and found it today. in the dryer. post drying session. warped and worn. i try it out tomorrow. *swallows*

___________


long distance is a beech, and no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, i can't see myself dealing with it. it's like somebody holding on to my heart and squeezing it... it's not healthy for me, @ this point in my life. i'm coming to terms with this. but where does that leave me? and you?

___________

i'm tired. and i have lots of work yet to do.

good night 'til next time.