polyphony.

King's County, New York State.

's where i'll be for most of tomorrow. haht, no?

yeah.

i'm excited.. but the fucked up thing is that i'm doing this trip on such limited funds, i'm going to have to watch and make count every cent i spend.

yippee.

should be fun tho. i don't travel much, so i'm looking forward to it, and besides. i'm visiting a friend from way back, even before i had a computer and a penchant for the dope rhymes, even before my first delusion of grandeur about being anything more than a scrub in life. haven't seen him since i was about 15... 7 years will do alot to ya. but, the reunion should be nice.

ok, so- the peach cobbler is out. not happnin jack. lol... i'ma see if i can cop some cookies or something.

yo... my body is so tired man. i'm serious. i went out and played some football with a bunch of guys thursday afternoon.. and my legs are KILLING ME. i'm like, cuz. i didn't do 1000 900lb squats. damn.

but yeah... i'll holla on tomorrow's events in a few days.

payce!

11.28.02

prologue.

i am alone.
______________________________

tonight

i
lay in wait
bathing my conscious sanity in
keepsake memory filled
with
the warm
resonance of her voice

affixing her name to my tongue

and crafting an amalgam of lullabied prayers
breathed into a coffin
to sleep inside

tonight

i gird my loins in her lavender;
an embattlement of reminiscents that
she's entrusted to me, of
full moons, and the arias they script
and i believe we've exchanged skins
for i touch myself and
feel her
...my lungs adopt her rhythm and meter
and in these i find measurement in mileage
of my moments alone
a cold slumber
presents itself a soulless companion

tonight

imbibing itself drunk with my disconsolation
and i can smell
the foul scent of charred promises
with each chiming
of the clock downstairs
sonorous martyrs of an unclaimed night;
a night
muted by the roar of a hungry silence
the still that plagues the darkness
and challenges me to
a reckoning

tonight

i'll read her poem aloud until the sun rises
and imagine
myself between her legs

and her arms

and her lips

and imbue self and dream
with her silhouette

tonight.
_____________________________
epilogue.

silhouetting her with dream and self
imbuing her lips
and her arms and
the betwixt of her legs,
my imaginings
rise the sun
until the poem that is her
reads aloud

tonight.

Y O

!!!!!!!!!

9th wonder. i think it'd be a bit doper if he took that swingy bounce out of the drums and just made them hit, real terse like. but hey, wtf do i know, right?

sick.

hey now

lol

dude. the time!

lol

you see that shit?

i really gotta nip this allnight shit in the bud. show and prove time is coming and i need to really be on top of my game.

speaking of which, went to see the dept head today about my classes. he had a meeting to go to, though, so i'll re-up with him tomorrow. today was a beautiful day, so i didn't mind just walking around with a hawaiian punch and some nice fluffy thoughts. gotta do that more often. the area behind hahnemann hospital is nice for a walk. they're doing lots of construction around there... PAFA is moving into a new building. should be interesting. there's also a magnificent shot of the downtown hi-rise area there. gotta get a pic.

but bein back at school... i mean... seeing a college bustlin with activity, students who, for all visible signalin had a purpose, definitely had class... it was a bit overwhelming. i'm used to goin to work, 9 to 5, with suited up CEOs and other sundry professional types. coffee, arab food stands, news papers and the click of mice and (men?-lol) keyboards. but bein inside and seeing contemporaries and educational shit taking place, took me to a place i hadn't been for some time.

it was weird.

the train ride home gave me time to think on whether i was prepared for this. i mean, i know niggas is like, what? you're going to school. big deal. but. . .

yeah. it IS a big deal.

most folk don't go back to school after they've taken a sizable hiatus. something takes place between the last class, and the acting on the intent of returning. that same something could rear it's ugly head in my work, and yo.

i'm trying to bust school's ass. serious.
i know the agenda though. sticking to it is gonna be a bitch and a half, but god forbid the bitch divorce me. regardless, i'm stoked man. i finally feel like i won't be such a floundering fuck-up. get my degree and shit. chea.

saturday is still all go. i'm excited about that, but i need to get some particulars from my gracious host so we can solidify things.

alright, i'm shuttin it down cuz i gotta see cuz in like 7 hours and shit.

plus i feel drunk, intoxicated with the nectar of dawn.

goodnite...

lever 2000. the white kind.

this, my friend, was the catalyst for a huge blow up between my father and i.

story is, he buys about 20-30bars in one fell swoop, i imagine the bulk purchase is substantially cheaper per bar. fair enough, i'd probably do the same thing. lever 2000 moisture response bars. he usually buys a 50/50 combination of the pure rain (blue) and the anti bacterial (white) bars. now, i HATE lever 2000. it's generally an extremely harsh soap, and my skin don't respond well to the shit. but, the anti bacterial soap works pretty good with me, so i greatly prefer it over the blue shit. the blue shit is like washing with ammonia, or bleach. you can smell the harshness wafting out the box when you open it. it smells like a potent ass chemical.

he'ont mind that shit. i does.

anyway, today i go to wash my ass and i see like, 2 bars of that blue shit, just waiting to rip my skin off my body!!! i'm like, you gotta be kidding me. that shit makes my face break out, and worse, it makes my face react like a bitch when i shave. i need to shave today. 's bad enough i'm out of blades. (them mach 3 blades are fucking expensive.) so i reach into the soap drawer and fetch a white bar of soap. i use it. i'm happy.

fast forward to about 12:45, 1pm. i'm chillin in my room, playing gta3. i hear my dad outside my room, on some "WHO OPENED ANOTHER BAR OF SOAP?!?!". i mean, dude is perturbed. >:o[ and shit. so, never one to back down, even when it's my volatile ass father, i speak up and tell him it was me.

"DAVID, WHY!?"

aight. so you can already feel the ridiculousness permeatin this discussion, and we ain't said but 10 words between us.

"the blue kind irritates my skin, and that's all that was open, so i opened a white one. it doesn't irritate it as much."

i say this the most tempered, mellowed explanatory fashion that i can muster, bein as how this fool has already got my blood goin for actually raisin his voice about some soap in the first place. i knew where this could lead, and i seen it happen over smaller shit with him, so i'm tryna maintain. i got a temper too, when dumb shit persists, 'specially when folks wanna argue things to death.

"oh, it irritates your skin, huh. David, come here."

is he?

is this nigro actually callin me out my room to discuss my wrong, like i'm 7? am i dreamin? nah, i'm not dreaming, because actions like this are modus motherfucking operandi when it comes to my dad. so i steps out.

i goes to his room.

he there proceeds to rail into me, askin me why i don't follow instructions, why i wanna disrupt order, why i don't listen to him, what i want from the family (..?!) what i want from him, and most importantly, why i don't buy my OWN soap, if it messes with my skin so much.

now i'm heated. so we trade chest puffs, or rather he tosses them at me and i shoot them down with common fockin' sense. by this time, i can hear my church pew murmuring sisters (lol) talking about how they'll just buy their own soap, and how they can't stand this house. my moms comes upstairs to address my livid father, and now he's barking at her. my older sister joins the fray and soon after, my younger sister. tryna help this man see that it's a BAR OF SOAP.

let's look at the situation from a narrator's perspective, shall we...
4 adult-aged members of a family, engaged in verbal war.

3 dry ass bars of lever 2000.

1 little brother standing on the steps watching this shit unfold.

i mean, damn. at certain points in the convo, my father and i were inches from each other's faces. i was shakin at one juncture, prepared to scuffle.

people.

SOAP!!!

he's cuttin my mom off, she's shutting me up, he's glaring at me, it's just so fucking inane it should be illegal.

needless to say, post argument, i'm fuckin spent, and thusly spend an hour on my bed sleeping.

let me out of here.

PLEASE.

oh, now it's on

yes yes, it is on.

i'm finna make things happen, man. the time for static existing has passed, homeslice. i've decided i'm gonna write a story that could eventually become a book. right now, i'm gonna keep it all in a seperate blog. that's gonna be special. i'll update, readers can read, and they can guestbook me about progress, telling me whether or not it sucks, and either cheer me on, or beg on a discontinuing. chea!

*sigh*

this music shit is gonna take some time. i'm not writing it off; by no means is this the case, but i'm definitely going to take my time with it. my time is limited, but i ain't pressed yet, so i'll learn, get my bumps and bruises where i can, and build from there.
i'd like to be in a relationship now... certain parts of the day, i *need* to be in one, but- i suppose all that i deserve, and can appropriately handle, i'll achieve in due time.

and if you're reading, beautiful... i'm crushing on you so hard you'd think i was big pun and little kim's progeny. maybe some day, y'ah mean?

school is on the way. that's what's up. i just wanna be back up *in* the shit, so i can start learning. i'm optimistic about school, so those who can remind me of how tedious it gets, save it. i'ma see if i can whoop this bastard's ass this time around. k?

thanks.

um, in like, 2 weeks, the money issue i'm constantly scrapping with will be downgraded. that's good news. i could get somebody a christmas present this year, even though i don't celebrate christmas. lol.

and i'm going to hilton head island, a small island off the coast of south carolina, in december. not bad right? my pops ain't goin, even better right? sorry folks, it's better. we rent a car, just me, my sisters, my little brother, and my mom. that ain't bad, 'cause those are my nikkaz. my pops is my nikka too, but, admittedly, not like he could be. *shrug*
facts of life.

i am going to take lots of pictures, and let all my friends see them. they should be perfectly lovely. and dainty.

AND... Next Saturday I'm Going to See My Holmes from Way Back. i ain't seen slick in years man. this should be nice. going up with my nizlet, and we're gonna paint the town black and blue. i'm thinking about baking a pie. that should be fun.

*paging skilled help*

naw, i can make em, i just wanna make sure cats eat the shit, so i'm gonna get at a chaperone. no harm in that, right?

right.

good night!

:(


what the fuck dude. today was a terrible day. well, the first 7 hours and the last 4.

damn.

and it's got the nerve to be a fuckin full moon and shit. so i'm basically fightin against myself.

and the fucked up shit is i don't have any right to be feeling like i do. i'm glad that i see that, cuz like they say, admission is the 1st step to recovery.

but dude.

SHIT. i'ont even know man.

i'ma go sleep.

fuck.

lol

Damn.

yo, that's not even funny. you have to listen to that sample and realize that the intro of that song is also what he sampled from for the body of it, and the fact that that shit is an obscure phrase. i got so much respect for 9th wonder, man.

i used to give him his props as being a dope up and coming producer, but now, i seriously put him up there with all my favorite producers. he's that good. jeez.

i mean, i'm working with the same shit as he, essentially; the only thing that differs is our ear for samples, and the knowledge of how to program drums. he's insanity incarnate, man.
anyway. i wanna get a new comp.


click the pic, get the stats.

i need it in all honesty. inexpensive and from all appearances powerful. that's my studio.

it'll be s/pdif'd to this.


and usb'd to this.


and that, my friends, is really ALL i need. i'm getting better at this beat shit and i need something worthy of housing them.

hopefully i can cop this shit soon.

*sigh*

man..

i'ont even know why i let the little dumb shits get to me. some innocent shit just punched me in the gut and now i'm pondering and questioning my existence. woe is me. i guess that's where the conundrum lies when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

anyways, i ain't do much this weekend. friday,went to a bar on south st. with some co-workers and had a few drinks, missed premier at fluid. yeah, i missed him. all in a days work, no?

it was good to get back with old friends though. apple martinis are the shit.

saturday, headed back to south street in the bitchass weather and chilled in record stores for hours, listening and reading, hunting and gathering. that was fun, outta the rain, outta the house, all up in my favorite pasttime outsid of getting it on marvin gaye style. hit the record exchange up first, and that was enjoyable... picked up an exceptionally groovy willie hutch album (foxy brown composer) and a sylvers joint that i realized post purchase my brother has owned for quite some time.

*shrug*


's all good though. it's got a good cut on the b-side. happened across an art tatum album... and it was fucked up, man. dude couldn't be on the cover of his own album hardly, for all the white folks jammt up on top of a little itty bitty picture of the performer himself. lol, it was almost comical how obscure his photo was. damn.

after i made my purchases there, i shot over to cue records- by this time it was pouring outside, and i was tempted to call it quits, but i made it inside. i was happy i did, becasue i picked up a copy of little brother's single, whatever you say. was mad happy about that, for lotsa reasons. after that, i kinda just thought about doing the whole music thing, walkin lonely in the rain, helping ladies who's brand new pumps spilled out of their wet paper bags, cuz i'm a motherfucking gentleman and a scholar.

sunday, today- i just moped around in my room and slowly brought it back to healthful levels of cleanliness.

(i can't belive aforementioned shit is still bothering me. lol
somebody come slap me.)

tomorrow, you have the distinct opportunity to make me a completely different person. how does that sit with you? you have the chance to take my life, and step it up a notch. this is truly out of my hands now, beyond my control, and i've had the hardest time maintaining my composure. i'm not asking for much, and i think with all i've been through, i'm just short of deserving it. please. go ahead and hook me up. thanks.

ok, i'm out. pz.

yo

i didn't sleep well last night. i was stoked with unnecessary amounts of energy. there will be no tongue-in-cheek-isms here. it wasn't funny. at all.

i went to sleep at 3:30.

i woke up at 5:30.

i had a dream, and i don't remember what happened in the dream, but i woke up at about 3:45 wanting to hear esthero's voice. i wanted to hear superheroes. that song brings back memories and helps soothe moods i go through. dunno why. but i couldn't find the cd. so, i went back to sleep. i had actually gone into my room with the intent of sleeping at about 12:45am, but alas, i was fucking amped.
so i hit the weights for about an hour and a half.

i was STILL amped.

i mean, @ this point, i've got like, a wood that will not be stopped and shit. never before in my life yo. not like this. so i'm doing everything i can to avoid snatching myself naked and pummeling the little guy into blissful oblivion. i throw on some bionix, cuz it was the first thing i saw. i'm effectively soothed... watch out is a SICK BEAT btw.

by the time i start feeling sleepy, in the middle of some sit ups, pawn star decides to come on and get shit started again.

so i cut the shit off and get in the bed. and i think. and think. and think. my hands are playing about the boxers the whole time, but i stayed my course and fought it off.
but cousin.

i'm not playing when i say that i am on the verge of exploding. i'm frustrated as FUCK not to mention i'm barely lucid, my eyes saw the backs of my eyelids for less than a 2 hours...

i really don't know where i'm going with this, but i'm up and it's early.

um, peace?

11/10/2002.

good lord.

i can't believe it's this late in the year already. i didn't even get to be 22. it was like, n i n e t e e n... twenty... twenty one... twentytwotwentythree-(stopping here in the hopes that i'll get some more ellipses and not another runon sentence into 24.)

seriously dude. this year was fast and slow at the same time, albeit completely awful.

...anyway, back to me.

another devotion of mine is to get into shape. i've made feeble attempts at this so many times, but i'm gonna lay the smack down on myself this time. for reals. mind body and spirit, and all that good siht. might as well go the whole nine, it all leads to a happier me. so, yeah, i'm hittin the bench every night, curling and breathing heavy, flexing in the mirror and getting my days worth of good nutrients.

lol

sound/look like i'm seventeen. but who care, right?

you know... becoming proactive isn't as hard as it sounds, looks or seems. at some point in your life, you have to take the reigns, and start exerting force. i think for me, it was my nervous energy- i get sick of standing still. literally or figuratively. (ok, so i spend lots of time with my ass in this chair, but i'm doing shit here. lay off, k?) and the beautiful thing is, with shit taking it's m o t h e rf u c k i n g time as far as my plans and dreams go, i'm unintentionally (but gratefully) learning patience. lawd knows i need that in my life.

i still need to move out. i make beats now, or at least pretend to. i need to hear every little thing when i'm making beats, and sometimes i don't get my Eureka Moment? until 3am. my subwoofer is right over my mercurial and irritable father's head. i repeat:

a negro needs his own place.

so, as soon as my money is correct, i'm stepping. i've said this before, i know, but i'm restating, for the purpose of stickin to the fucking script.

random thought for the day: i was in the bathroom at mcdonalds, and i came up with this- "vaginal foliage". how disgusting is that?!

. . .

i still haven't listened to my wax from thursday. this is putrid. i'm interested in what nancy wilson is going to do for me. ...YO.! she was pretty as shit on that album cover. i'da been coming at her strong if i was back then. lol... i think about that alot. maybe one day i'll drop pics of jawns i'd blaze from yesteryear. blaze and love, though. it ain't all about the sex.

took a ride out to lancaster county today. twas fun. i'm mad tho. j-live was @ villanova, and i didn't make plans to go because, well, it's villanova. so i end up being driven right through fucking villanova. ?!

*sigh*

life and times, sucka.

holla.

the ill blend.

that's me, kiko. the ill blend is on!

how so?

well. for one, that strictly business side of me, the one that exhibits high levels of pragmaticism and is calculating and precise; it's in full effect. but dig- for a cause, yo... i'm being progressively apropos, if i can use that word like that. and that's the segue to the second half of the blend, my dreamer/ambitious side. i guess it's just a culmination of an awful year, my diehard spirit and resiliency, and the realization that i really need to be capitalizing on the talent given to me. i also want to collaborate with others in this mission.

i'll be honest.

quixo's got me *quite* excited. the whole not-thanksgiving thing is such a good idea; even if nothing comes of it. it's about giving folks the opportunity to get down on the come up, you know? i'm amped off the strength of his ideas, and i've got a few of my own i will present (barring a not-so-unlikely overtaking by my ever present shy bug) to the collective party.

i want to do a magazine, man. between the excellence of wax poetics and the poor quality of many other mags and journals, coupled with the quality of writing i've seen my peoples exhibit, man... it seems like a worthwhile investment. i know from research that print is difficult to jump into, especially with funding and the like. monetization is always a bitch. but i see nothing wrong with busting a move in cyberspace, doing the damn thing with a comprehensive site where we can all get our write on, as well as promote the venues quest spoke of, and whatever else we get into.

i foresee big things in the "possible" range, yo. how 'bout we achieve? i mean, the opportunity for realization has me geeked, because i fucks with some capable folk. i know we can do this if we are serious about it. if it flops, i'd be saitisfied with having tried, and learned, so i can try again, on some smarternexttime shit.

i'm also getting mad serious about my music. it's one thing that i have to keep reminding myself about myself. i can learn anything. i mean, that's not some inspiration chant i repeat to myself, i just eventually learn all that i consistently involve myself in. it's always been that way. so, i say all that to say that i'm learning this music production stuff. day by day. lemme get my set up the way i want it. it is OVER.
man... fucking premier is coming to philly along with jay ski on the 15th. performing. dude.

PRIMO.



yes, that one. christopher martin. gangstarr. dwyck. come clean. bring it on (jayz). half time. unbelievable. (b.i.g)

i'm hyped. stef holds it down lovely as a promoter. i'm mad thankful she keeps philly busy like she does. now if she can get pete rock and madlib here...

and then, beatsociety is holding a producer's show. local cats, but somebody's gonna have an sp-1200, yo. WONderful. i shant miss these.

you know, as long as my cashflow is ok, november could be a nice month. let's hope things stay ill.

in other news, i miss my brother. i don't talk as much here these days; i'm sure my peoples have noticed it. it's cuz outside of my brother, i am a quiet guy. me and him could rap on almost anything. but you know what? i don't wish him back here. he's doing his thing and there ain't a thing wrong with that. proud of him. he baked an apple pie for his housemates. pardon me.

L M A O !

why justin, how domestic of you!

naw, he just likes baking. and he's good at it too. i'll fuck up some of his pies man. and cakes too. he plays the keys and he makes beats and he makes pastries. quite a combination. i know them housemates are like, yoooo we scored a fockin' gem!!!

haha.

i went to the record spot and picked up some stuff. wanna check that manchild album out, kenny edmonds is on it with an afro and a beard, HA! um... pissed about the gouges in my john coltrane wax, that's wrong. but, what do you expect from a dollar bin?

*shrug*

ok. time to head back to the beats.

i'll be up in your systems, stayin non-linear, and keepin 'em nonplussed, cuz well, that's just what i do.

peace, love, and the pursuit of satisfaction.

i know a beautiful woman
and maybe it isn't in our collective cards
as far as this moment is concerned
but maybe
i mean
in the future, she could like
claim me
or some shit
because really, i miss her like a motherfucker
and even though i've never *held* her, shit
she's left indelible imprints in my arms

i'd not remove them for fear she's no longer fit

and i've unwittingly promised my thoughts to the taste of her lips &
i'm not sure if i care

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

you'll notice some new linkage to your left, in the "Playing The Links section. please feel free to peruse these folks' sites, as you'll find some of the most interesting content the internet has to offer. old or new, these links will take you not only to another page, but to another world... some place, i'm sure you'll agree, you belong.


Howdy Tho.

so.

my brother completely moved out last night. my sister was crying, i was jealous, but happy, and my brother was gone. maybe it'll tale some time to set it, but i guess having to seek him out to speak to/see him made the transition to him being totally gone an easy one.

for me at least.

i saw his room, and it ain't all that bad. maybe a little bigger than his room here, couple of windows, nothing spetacular. my parents couldn't seem to grasp why he would want to move all of his shit from one average room to another average room. i really wonder whether the fact that more freedom and responsibility are upon him now is amiss in their minds. my sister and i drove him and his last few belongings to his place last night, around 10 something we finally got it all in.

the ride back home was quiet, warm, on the expressway, therefore affording me the wonderous view of downtown philadelphia, listening to WRTI temple jazz radio.


i dunno. i enjoyed it. probably tried to enjoy it as much as possible, knowing the forthcoming fracas that would be the amazingly catty discussion of my brothers' place, his decisions to leave, and everything else involved. *i'd like to thank ms. vickie feldman, and the year of 1996 for that wonderful picture.*
(lemme know if you get tired of seeing the skyline shots. you'll recieve a prompt fuck you.-mgmt.)

but anyway, as i expected, we returned home. "WHERE Were YOU?!?"

um.. we took justin to his spot. dude, you know this. granted we were gone for a minute, but we're back. blah. so then my sister starts rappin about everything, i grab a grape and an orange 12oz soda, the new spider man dvd, and route upstairs to my room. didn't need to hear the proceedings.

he'll be fine. i wish they would give him a chance.
_____________________________________________

so, i was in the bathroom, standing at the toilet and gleefully humming, peeing til my little heart was contented, when i had an epiphany of sorts.

DAMN. i can't remember the exact words i had that day; they hit this shit on the head so perfectly, but...

i think it was something like, i like, *LIVE* for opportunities for romantic affection. you know what i mean? like, if i see an opportunity to cuddle up with some pretty lady, i'll do it. or i'll want to. i don't know what i mean. i guess it means i'm hard up for a warm snuggle. i don't know. but it made so much sense that day. maybe i'll remember and update accordingly.

speaking of pee, howcome the folks at my job got this toilet that doesn't wanna flush correctly, and like, i'm using it an shit, and i'm ready to get into my flush/wash/bounce phase, and the shit doesn't work? i'm thanking my lucky stars i ain't take a shit man. damn. FINALLY i figured the sumbitch out.

harrowing in the least tho.

yo . . . if that had worked out.

man.

keep plugging, dude. that was a hint of things to come, cousin.

blee dat.