polyphony.

another wednesday.

what's new?

hmm.

• rent due this weekend.

• i owe lankenau hospital $100.

• i owe sprint upwards of $150.

• sup?

typical life of the broke bachelor with bills. perenially behind the 8 ball. these things hardly concern me, though.

yesterday, i received a phone call from my youngest brother, jared. he called to inform me that my friend Jermaine died as a result of a car accident.

my immediate reaction was one of shock. i guess i'm stomaching it okay. it's surreal to see people your age dying, though. it's criminal to be dead before you turn thirty. just criminal.

i'm really sad, though. a bit more steely than i'd expect myself to be, considering how i've dealt with tragedy in the past- but it hurts. i found out from my sister today that he spent monday and tuesday in a hospital. they amputated his leg before he died. his wife, who was in the car, was also seriously injured.

they don't know whether she will make it.

…i just felt a tear. time to change subjects.

____


i'm going to work on not accepting mediocrity from myself, and people around me. i've got to kill the notion that it's acceptable. it's the only way we will move forward.

i wonder if it's presumptious of me to have hope invested in the futures of my circle of friends and various family members, as well as myself. i mean. i don't expect their futures to benefit my own in any way, but i guess i just know our capabilities, seperately and as a collective. it's my honest opinion that i/we have wasted unnecessary amounts of time as it is.

just being average. lamenting the doldrums of our existence while simultaneously doing just enough to get by and get drunk on the weekends.

iono.

i just think stepping up bigtime is long overdue.

____

i still wanna move to new york. lol

or, maybe jersey city. i wanna operate in nyc moreso. if philly was on the outskirts of nyc, i'd gladly stay here and pay substantially smaller rents, and commute like a mofo. 2 hours is a bit much though.

i think i'm going to try again, seriously.
if not this time then i'm giving up on the dream. lol

____

rip jermaine.
i miss you fam.
and i'm really sorry.
hope to see you again.

i think i'm coming to a crossroads with this job.

i've been operating on half throttle for a minute now, and it's starting to show. my patience is wearing thin with everything involved in maintaining it. i mean, i was focusing on a career change LONG before i ever got this job, so i was already looking past it when i walked in the front doors for the first time.

the thought of leaving job security is frightening. i have a home to support, man. like my co-worker said yesterday, when i asked her if she planned on staying here:

"yeah. i got kids man."

i feel that 100%. those kinds of things will make you feel married to whatever situation you're in. it's like, you build a castle out of playing cards, or you're playing jenga. all of a sudden every muscle-twitch becomes calculated, and you are scared to even take a deep breath, because you don't the bottom to fall out on you.

but then, there's the thing about risk. what if it doesn't fall out?

ignorance as to the eventual outcome should lead the risk taker to believe that there's a 50/50 chance that things will fail or succeed. those are fair odds. not good, but not necessarily bad. and better to risk it all at 26, than at 36. right?

long story short, i wanna quit.
or get fired.

i just don't feel like i'm good enough at the other things i do TO warrant venturing out like that. i'm taking my baby steps and seeing if the water is "fine", but even knowing that the life-raft is tethered to a wall of mediocrity, i'm still scared to take the plunge without it.

it's complicated.

but the longer i sit in this office and day dream about things i need to be doing, is the longer i do myself a colossal disservice and rot.

i hate getting fired. it's only happened once... it's unattractive on the record, it's ugly when it happens. but it'd get me some free money, while i got my life on it's feet. also too, you can't just ask to be fired, or let go.

on the other hand, i could quit. but that eliminates unemployment compensation (i think).

or i could stay. and hate it.

ugh.

i mailed a beat cd to a producer manager. please god, let dude fall in love.

*inspired*

iono.

i just been letting it flow and i've been coming up with some retarded stuff. i ain't mad though. definitely playing keys a whole lot more these days... sampling is getting too tiring, plus i need some good records.

so maybe i got me a singer who wants to do a group type thing. my nigga sonya out in nyc was like "yo, lets do this"

so i'ma send her some stuff and we're gonna try to get our heavy/j.davey on. lmao.

i already got my moniker too.

"Trendy McFlashy"

that keyboard was a REALLY good purchase. i actually haven't had too many misses regarding equipment purchases since i moved out here. im kinda excited about it all... right now i just wanna focus on getting better, do some actual projects instead of farting around all the time.

*bwee!*

wrrrrd. © waleo

yeah, yo.

what's good.


so i decided to stay in my apartment. you knew that was gonna happen, right?

i'm going to regret it in 4 months, i'm going to be considering it again in 10. unless of course i've finally sold that $50k beat.

but until then, i keep the trillion cut diamond shinin' brilliant. © jiggaman

@ work on a tuesday. i'm gonna spend some more time with the resume and try to generate some interest in the kid.

__