polyphony.

sometimes i be like, why blog?

'cause you open yourself up to a bunch of folks taking shots at your personal thoughts, offering unsolicited advice, etc, whateva whateva.

but if i can't handle that, i aint shit right?

and on top of that, just maybe these niggas is right.
coo.

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it's been said that i have communication issues.
i'll be honest, i don't like spending a whole lotta time laying bare my soul with my friends and lovers, journeying hand in hand into the depths of my soul and being judged. it's true.
but i can write about personal things with a bit more candor. complete candor if i don't know/don't care who's looking.
and that applies across the board, too. i can be more of myself if i don't know/don't care who's looking.
so that's my resolution for '07. along with stacking paper at ALL COSTS i will be not caring who's looking, and not hyperextending myself to find out if people are looking.

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and she was right.

decisions need to be made about the people in my life, and how my interactions will be with them. it's a tremendous disservice to them and myself to be caught in purgatorial netherworldish relationships.

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here's to the fires in our lives.

let's suffocate the dying embers, call the red truck on the out of control blazes and stoke the flame that keeps us warm at night.

people.

what is wrong with people?

people are weird. and dramatic. and they're self absorbed and selfish. and they make demands they shouldn't be making, and they're inconsiderate, and inconsistent, and untrustworthy, and conniving.

sometimes they're good confidantes. sometimes they're sexy. and sometimes they come through in a pinch, some more than others. sometimes you find that person that's always there, can always be reached, always listens, always knows what to do, always is ready to hop in the sack, whatever. but for the most part, people in our lives are, at times, absolutely useless.

this is a hard thing for me to accept and ponder, because as much as i could sit here and e-complain about the people in my life, i fill one or more of those categories for alot of those same people i'm taking to task!

it isn't about them right now, though. this is my blog and i'm ranting.

i'm just tired of people this week.
actually i'm tired of them in general.
i feel like i try my hardest to respond to the interpersonal push pull, but when it's coming from every conceivable direction in unrelenting fashion, niggas just get tired.

or maybe it's all in my mind. nobody's beating my door down or slamming me publically (yesterday's entry notwithstanding) for things i have or have not done, but if i'm honest, i know that alot of people could say i've failed them at some point. and it's like, what's the point?

friendships are great, love is fantastic. but it's a hassle, man.
the places i go, i have no time for relationship hassles, dog.

there's another conundrum though. being lonely is a BITCH.

___

i dunno.

i was watching season one of the wire yesterday. in one of the earlier episodes, i'll guess about ep7, McNulty goes to see his son play soccer, and he's running a little late. he's got bubbles in the car and they head through LeaveItToBeaverLand and arrive at the soccer field. son runs over, McNulty and son exchange pleasantries and love, then the mother sulks over, waits til kid departs and mentions to McNulty that he's late, and that the son thought he wouldn't show.

McNulty says to the ex-wife: "You know the job."

he's right!

bitch, you know the job!!!

i'm a cop! you know my job! i'm a good cop too! people don't get killed or robbed or commit crimes between the hours of 8am and 4pm!

i'm a doctor! people don't get sick between the hours of 10 and 6!

aka: i can't operate on your schedule, i'm not you! i have to operate on mine, and if you know what i do and know that my workload dictates an erratic and overloaded schedule, respect that and play nice for god's sake.
point plank period.

_____

that was totally me projecting. nobody's said a word regarding my schedule to me. i think it's that i know what i'm gonna have to do in the near future, and i feel like people are gonna get salty as a result of it.

_____

ugh, i dunno wtf i'm talking about.
i love everybody in my life. but sometimes i wish that i had never met them. cause all we do is complicate each others' lives.

somethin's gotta give.

there's a conclusion i finally came to, and i went thru a range of emotions in the process of coming to that conclusion

first i felt silly for wanting anything other than feeling deeply in love.
i had it in my head that love was, and always would, and *should* be enough--all the feeling cherished and adored and fully understood were extras that u were fortunate to have if u had em.
so, i tried to stifle it, but it never felt right... the truth was i cldnt see anything wrong with wanting those things or expecting them to be there in a relationship, so i got confused

then i began to feel that maybe i didnt deserve those extra things. that was a really rough thing to have to feel & go thru

& then, i sort of wised up and realized that a relationship *should* include those things--love, in my opinion, is supposed to be a safehaven; when everything else in life sucks & u feel like uve been turned away everywhere else, ur supposed to be able to turn to love & the one u love and be shown and made to feel that u *are* wanted and needed and appreciated and cherished & understood

that's essential, imo

cause without those things, it becomes boring, chore-like, and just another fact of life rather than a miracle of it

& in realizing this, i realized that there was nothing at all wrong with wanting it--i'd always thought my wanting it was a bigger problem than it's absence; not the case

& in realizing all of that, i finally realized that i deserved it, and now im not prepared to settle anymore for love's sake. i think i was doin that at one time

cause one of the hardest realizations (ive said some version of the word realize like 20 times lol) in life/love is that ur not getting or cant get those things from the person u want them from the most, that person u love

but u know what?

the bitter truth is that if he wont do it, another man will. that's not to say u shld pack up and leave or whatever, cause whatever u choose to do is on u

but

i guess my point here is that ur not wrong for wanting the things u deserve, and u do deserve happiness. its impossible to feel fully happy when u know that there's something missing

i dont envy u

good luck tho, & chin up