polyphony.

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please redirect your cares and concerns here.

jesus loves you.

Barnes & Noble, Bubbles & Butts.

so yesterday after work, i decided i was gonna make a run to B&N to pick up the new issue of Entrepreneur.

big mistake.

get to the store, find the mag (and a few others to flip through) and sit down on a reading bench to start my usual Borders/B&N process. about 5 minutes in, my stomach turns. i don't know why (i have some theories though), i hadn't had much to eat all day. anyway, it's nothing major, i tend to have stomach issues a lot, and i've generally learned to gauge when there's a problem, and when it's just a daily tummy rumble. i ignore it.

bigger mistake.

5 minutes later, my bowels do a triple lutze into flailing salchow and draw weapons on me. i feel like my ass is about to burst. son.

i drop the mags, jump up and walk hurriedly towards the escalators, not even knowing exactly where the bathroom was located.

the ride to the second floor (B&N is a 3 floor building) was torture. my stomach is making all sorts of quakes and gurgles. i seriously start feeling like i'm not going to make it. i clear the landing and speedwalk to where i think the bathroom is, praying all the way that i'm going in the right direction.

i turn a corner and eureka, i did remember where it was*. i get to the secluded hallway leading to the restrooms and all of a sudden i feel my sphincter muscle about to give in.

SON.

i burst through the door and hurl myself towards the old person stall (with the grab bars & etc.) and snatch my pants & drawers down to my ankles.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

i'll put it this way. mt. vesuvius.

nagasaki.

chernobyl.

ALLADAT.

i had to make use of the grab bars, b. (not really, but that would have been quite funny in retrospect.)

so as i empty out to the best of my ability, wipe and question my existence, people start filing in to use the restroom.

"DAMN!"

"SHIT!!!"

"PHEEEEWWWWWW"

^ three diff niggas comments on the odor. you know what? f_ck y'all niggas 'cause that's what a public restroom's about. you'ont like it? MY BAD.

smh. i'm crackin up in the stall like "I DID THIS TO YOU!" © mr. biggs.

so i'm wipin like a dude who ass spewed SHOULD wipe, and in comes a gentleman. towards my stall.

you know i ain't lock that sh!t.

nigga just BUST in the shit. i'm standing there, dick hangin out, colorful drawls around my ankles, wiping clear between my ass cheeks and this old dude practically in the stall with me.

OH! MY BAD, MAN. SHEESH.

MY BAD.

im just standing there like wtf.

then i gots to crack up.

specially when dude sets down on his own stall next to mine and his own ass detonates into the toilet bowl.

circle of life in the B&N bathroom.

-d

*act of god. -ed