polyphony.

i got work to do. © vanessa williams


(names have been changed to protect the innocent)


AeonRock: do you think i lack focus?
sakniculous: sometimes
_______________________

AeonRock: do you think i need focus?
Iszinz: hm
AeonRock: like do you see me as lacking it
Iszinz: you seem like you may need focus
Iszinz: in some areas

_______________________

AeonRock: do you think i lack focus?
MelK: uh
MelK: hmm
AeonRock: its ok we can be honest here
AeonRock: lol
MelK: i don't think you lost focus
MelK: i think you're not on the right track to where you want to be

_______________________

AeonRock: <-lacks focus?
AeonRock: i need honesty
Mrmr: i don't think you lack focus when it comes to shit you care about.
AeonRock: in general
Mrmr: hmm
Mrmr: i hate to say yes. because i don't think of you that way. but on some yes or no shit? yes.
_______________________

AeonRock: do you think i lack focus?
mindstorm: on what? or just focus in general
AeonRock: things i want to do
AeonRock: shit i talk about in hopes of getting it
mindstorm: as far as school yes, your music no
AeonRock: ok
mindstorm: i think u have total focus on your music
mindstorm: school, slim to none

_______________________

AeonRock: so u think im not focused?
LadyInRed: honestly?
AeonRock: yeah
LadyInRed: i think you could be a little more focused.
AeonRock: werd


werd.

$

and the lack thereof.

::i promise, this is the last sob story for a long time::

i planned so hard to be in nyc this past weekend.

i thought about it hard. i only wish that mattered. at all. i had my school visit. i had the dave chappelle concert. i had beat society. all lined up like one great weekend pay off for finding a job and what not.

but i had no money.

you know... it's not so much the missed weekend, which was, might i add, *awful*.

it's that i'm always coming up short with stuff like this. always.
i'm such a lame yo.

i wish dollars didn't factor so much into things i need to accomplish, but unfortunately, they do. it's ridiculous, i wanted to visit that school so bad that i was asking niggas for money. but i don't feel like being in debt to anybody. i already owe. and i'm not the type of dude to be running up tabs.

's not my style. it's representative of a disgusting lack of independence.
and i think that's where my personal issues start flaring.

i'm like-
24 n' sht. mad basic. i'm working towards something, and i be feeling good about it, but then a weekend like this reminds me in a not-so-friendly manner how un-about it all i actually am. i got friends who are mobile. like, they can fkng mobilise when they need to. they can pay a bill when they need to.

and more than money, they are establishing a life for themselves.
i be sitting in my room telling niggas via this raggedy computer that i am on to some big isht.

the whole money thing is microcosmic of a bigger set of dumbsht issues.
i'm working on it.

i just feel so mad at myself. that i let that sht happen to me over and over. and that i keep letting time fly by me with nothing to show for it.

ugh. bitter disgust, like sucking on rancid lemons with parasitic bacteria crawling on it. imagine your face after such an ordeal. that's the face i'm making right now.
stop laughing. because i'm so not laughing.

so ive decided.
im going to be that dude i been trying to be for years. myself, on the level that i wanna be on.

i aint never coming up short again. thats a promise. i know ive made alot of em here, but right now, the way i feel, showing and proving is the only option.

watch.

btw.

i found this funny.



dunno if you can see it, but thats my old boss telling me nicely not to use my old job as work reference.

whatever dude, i got squad who can vouch, i put in work while i was there.

b!chz.

so... my computer is down.

there goes the beats. if anyone who reads this has passed the CompTIA/A+ cert, holler here.

in other news:

i be leaving freaky voicemails.

only for the sown and grexy.

just 'cause i know you're tired of the poem.


sup tho.

it's been a crazy couple of weeks.

entry prior to last, i quit and was rehired.

well- i quit again. lol
emailed in my final letter of resignation. that was actually about 2 weeks ago. since then things have been nuts, in a real relaxed way.

but good news... i got a new job. it's whatever really. it's in south philly and my day STARTS at 8am. no car, so i'm leaving the house at 6:30. ugh. what type of bs is that?

's all good. i'm on my hustle jawn now, because i've got a goal my gaze is fixated upon-

The Institute of Audio Research.

(what can i say, folks. i'm flighty. and mad undecided. if you've kept up with this blog for the past 2+ years its been running, you know this, and you're ok with it.)

i'm almost scared to post it, because the superstitious part of me is mumbling something about jinxing. but whatever, i refuse to believe in that stuff now. it hasn't helped in the past.

so i'm making a go at it. i have a school tour on the 18th- and seeing how 1iota.com ain't send me OR my nuckas... well... one iota of a response- it's the main focus for that day. then, i've got beat society at the knitting factory same night.

i'm scared man. i've been envisioning myself there something fierce, it's like, it's gotta happen.

but i need money. fast. and a place to sleep.

*sigh*

good vibes this way, if you please.

i should start a paypal acct for the FDS Project.
fund dave's schooling, b@tch.

yeah.

::man. this blog is dumb self centric. i wish i could talk about politics... or somethimg.::

whatever.

oh yeah! 1 more thing, then i'm off.
these cats i met along my internetted travels want me to do an instrumental for their upcoming EP. and i got mcs who need beats.

*yes!*

peese.